Porn. Really, it's about porn, so be warned.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012 at 8:47PM I've already alerted you that this blog post is about porn, so honestly, if you're easily offended or don't like to think about icky things, look away. Or skip to the next post -- it's all touchy feely about parenting rules.
This one, however, will have bad words and worse ideas in it.
Now that that's out of the way:
I want there to be websites for porn for teenage boys and girls that are, well, normal. And relationship-centered. And, frankly, I want it to be like Playboy was when I was a kid. Or even the really bad one, Hustler.
Because I read Playboy and Hustler when I was about nine and I stole a couple from some guys who did work around our house. And they were gross, and they were thrilling, and forbidden and wonderful and disgusting. I felt shameful and degraded just by looking at them, and I felt excited and adventurous at the same time. So, this, then, was the big secret. This is what all of the inside jokes were about. This was what the movies were talking about, and what the giggling was. I got it, now. I saw that it wasn't anything at all like the anatomy books I'd been given, and it was way, way more complex than "a special feeling between a man and a woman."
But you know, there were some scary things, too. Someone talked about pee, and I was grossed out forever. Someone else talked about (we're gonna get graphic here, people -- we're talking about porn, remember,) anal sex, and I have never been able to un-see that. Not ever.
But that was it. I never saw any other porn until years later, when I was an adult and could make my own choices and didn't have to steal it if I wanted to see it, except from a boyfriend.
And I will not, for the sake of keeping to topic, get in to the very real, very important topic of whether porn should exist, the women and men who make porn, the degrading and dangerous business of making it, and the fact that children are sometimes involved. We're talking about what is.
And what is, today, is frightening.
I have a son who's 12.
He will, at some point, want to see boobs. Unless he's gay, in which case I have an entirely different blog post on my hands. But I have two sons, so let's assume that one of them will want to see boobs.
And one of them, in the next year or so, or maybe two or three if I'm lucky, type in, "boobs" into a computer. Because it's not just computers that can do this anymore. Net Nanny can't save me. He can type in boobs on an iPhone, or an iPad, or an iPod touch, or on a Kindle browser. He can do this on a friend's phone, at the Apple store or when I run to the bank.
It will happen.
And he will not get pictures of boobs. He will not get Playboy images, still-lifes of naked women, posing demurely.
He will go, in one afternoon, from wondering what boobs look like to having more disturbing, icky thoughts in head than were possible twenty years ago.
I just asked him if he'd ever seen a picture of a naked woman, and he said yes -- I'd shown him a picture of a friend of a friend who was a lingerie model, and she posed in a g-string.
That, for him, is porn. He asked why I was writing about porn, and guessed, "Because you're saying that no one in this family has ever looked at porn?"
Do you know what the top hit is on google when you type in "boobs sex"?
"Want to slide your dick through MILF TITS? Saggy tits of housewives, biggest tits, natural tits & sexy tits."
Yup. In ten seconds, he's got images of mothers who like to fuck, housewives who like to go down, you name it.
What if he googles, God forbid, "porn"?
Top hit is "youjizz.com."
Where you'll see videos like "luscious nasty slut immobilized" and "beat-down junkie ho tells all."
The "luscious nasty slut" shows pictures of a woman tied up in a bar, having sex with at least four or five men at once, while others look on. From the little I'm willing to see, it looks for all purposes like a gang-bang of a teenage girl in the middle of a crowded bar.
I like sex. I adore my husband and I love our sex life. "Luscious nasty slut immobilized" has NOTHING, nothing, nothing to do with what adult sex is like in the real world, if you're lucky.
I know that someone, somewhere, wants to watch this, and someone is willing to pay big money for it. And, frankly, I'm sorry for them. But my real question is, how do I teach a decent, sweet, normal kid that sex is a natural, beautiful, wonderful thing between two people that love each other when he will be surrounded by images that have nothing to do with love and are nothing near beautiful or wonderful?
I would not trade away my internet for anything, but I'm sorry this part of it exists. And in case you haven't looked recently, no, you don't have to be 18 to see this stuff, you don't have to have a credit card and you can just click, click, click and it's there.
I am the last person you'd ever call a prude, and I consider myself a pretty open-minded, easy-going person. But seeing that poor girl tied up on a bar, having sex with six or seven men? There's something wrong here when that's a form of entertainment.
And there's something more wrong when it's only three clicks away from children.
I have no answers. I don't want censorship. And I know people who go to couple's clubs and who watch other people have sex onstage because they think it's good for their marriage. To each their own.
But these are tough waters to navigate, these teen years with the internet out there.
If there were a parenting map, when teens hit the internet it would say, "Here there be dragons."
Reader Comments (6)
I love how frank you are and that's a great gift to your kids. But, I'm kind of enjoying having my head in the sand here with my oldest boy being just 8! What's your plan? When I was a teen my (non-smoking, non-drinking) parents let it be known in a low pressure way I could try cigarettes and alcohol right in the room with them. It created this vibe of "hey, these aren't mysterious forbidden exciting things that you must over indulge in once you manage to get your hands on them". But, can't exactly do that with porn now can we?! I suppose the same could be said for drugs.
I agree! I am petrified. My son typed in Lego Ninja once and up popped a disturbing porn image (pop-up). He quietly walked away and I only realized later and we talked about it. I was so sad for him and disappointed that I hadn't been able to shield him and won't be able to in the future. I'll try my best, but it's just a matter of time. If it's not in one of the forms you list, it'll be at a friends house, right? But here's the worst part: our daughters will also see those images.
I am NOT thinking about my daughter yet. She's two, and I refuse to think about it.
And yes, she'll see stuff like that. The other side of it, of course, is that porn is for men, but both men and women like sex. And the very existence of it teaches girls that sex is for men and women are only there to be the objects of sex, instead of the enjoyers of it.
But I'm not thinking about that yet. I'm pulling a Scarlett.
I have three daughters. And I have no idea just how to handle this topic. We've already talked about how the human body - mostly women's - and the idea of "sexiness" is used in marketing and to be shocking or attention grabbing. But they have NO IDEA just how far that can go. Even the back few pages of The Austin Chronicle freak me out, much less the idea of them being blasted with what's on the internet. I am not a fan of pornography, mostly because of the misogyny and pedophilia involved in so much of it. I don't think it's "natural" or healthy. I think the human body is amazing and should be celebrated and respected, not degraded or abused through sexual perversions. And I'm not a prude, either. I think being naked in private or public should be totally acceptable and not immediately associated with sex. I think sex should be fun and exciting and adventurous, but not humiliating, violent, or controlling. But we're nowhere near that point in our evolution, are we??
Thanks, Meagan, for putting this concern out there. It's very real and quite a bit scary.
This came from Chris, a friend of mine, obviously male, on Facebook. I think it's valid statement, and also one that doesn't do anything to take away the concern I have:
" So there is a fundamental misunderstanding that I need to correct here. This is a mom POV that totally misses on the consumption of porn. Boys don't read porn to learn about women or boobs or whatever. They use it to get off. This is not something that is being processed at some high level. This is lizard brain stuff."
Yup. Those are the thoughts in our house, too. If it were just "porn" it would be one thing, but the stuff that comes up is really messed up.
My husband actually bought some "mainstream" porn and put it somewhere the boys (12 and 14) would find it. They think they're getting away with something and we're controlling the input. Yeah, that's messed up, but so is the stuff we're keeping them from.
One thing I tell them is that porn is like WWF: not real. They seem to get that.
Your friend is right about the lizard brain stuff. As long as we can keep it there, it's something I can tolerate, barely.