Fun ways to spend a summer in Washington!

All right: Well, I asked for it! I wanted a few things to look forward to this summer, and here it is – more than ten pages of fairs, festivals, events, parks, ferry rides and kangaroo parks.

Who knew there was so much to see and do?

I’ve provided links and dates for what I could find, but I’m not familiar with any of this, and since it’s not for any purpose except my own family’s fun, I’m not fact-checking it. In other words, call before you go, check dates, and don’t take my word for it that what’s listed as a day trip isn’t a three-day trek.

Also: I’ve never taken a ferry. I have no idea where any of the ferries are, where they go, how much they cost, or if it’s all one big system that I’ve listed four times. I’m sure after this summer I’ll know it inside and out, though. So, to me it looks like a foreign language at the moment, and if there are any glaring errors (meaning, I can’t there from here,) let me know, please!

Much of the information here is from asking people what their favorite summer haunts are, so these places are tried and true -- just not by me! I can't wait to try some of these places.

I hope this is fun and useful for some of you – I know I’m looking forward to this summer!

Events, Festivals and Fairs:

June 8-9: 
Deming Log Show

“The Subdued String Band Jamboree at the Deming Log Show Grounds in August is a summer must do for our family! Very family friendly festival.

http://www.demingloggingshow.com

July 4:

Zuanich Park for fireworks:

https://bellingham.com/haggen-family-4th-of-july-celebration-2/

July 26-28:

Ferndale Old Settlers Parade and Festival

http://www.whatcomoldsettlers.com

 July 27-August 3:

Honda Celebration of Light:

“Vancouver does the Celebration of light every year at the end of July/beginning of August- it's a fireworks competition between several countries (usually Canada, China, and two or three others) and they are by far the best fireworks I've ever seen in my life. Each country has their own night, so there are four or five days to choose from. They last an hour and are spectacular. Plus during the day leading up to it, there are TONS of people milling around because it's kind of like a street fair with food and entertainers and stuff. And it's FREE!”

http://hondacelebrationoflight.com

August 2-4

Anacortes Arts and Crafts festival/fair

http://www.anacortesartsfestival.com

August 12-17

Lynden Fair:

This one has multiple reccomendations as a must-do event, and everyone says to buy a wristband and go all day long.

http://nwwafair.com

August 14-17

San Juan Fair, Friday Harbor:

http://sjcfair.org

August 23-24
Ferndale Street Festival:

http://www.ferndalestreetfestival.com

Second Saturday in September:

Whatcom County Farm tour:

This is another one that everyone says is a must-do. It sounds like a lot of fun!

https://sustainableconnections.org/2018-whatcom-county-farm-tour/ 

Recurring events all summer:

All Comers Track meets:

Mondays, June 3 through July 15, 2013. 
Total of 7 meets.

“The All Comer Track Meets are fun for the whole family.  On Monday evenings during the summer, we offer track and field events for children and adults of most ages.”

https://www.cob.org/services/recreation/activities/Pages/all-comer-track.aspx

Concerts in the Park, Thursdays, June 27- August  29

https://www.cob.org/services/recreation/activities/Pages/concerts-in-the-park.aspx

Fairhaven Outdoor Cinema:

Saturdays, June 22 – August 24

http://www.epiceap.com/fairhaven-outdoor-cinema/

Beaches, Parks, Lakes and Water fun:

All of these beaches come with recommendations. These are the beaches that people who live here say are fun, family-friendly, and worth visiting.

“We love going to Zuanich Park for walks and they have a nice playground there for kids.” Good for kite flying, too.

http://www.portofbellingham.com/index.aspx?NID=509

“Boulevard Park is nice and I hear that they have a new playground.”

https://www.cob.org/services/recreation/activities/Pages/all-comer-track.aspx

“Bloedel Donovan Park is always full of people in the Summer that are swimming.”

“Bloedel Donovan for a lake swim.”

https://www.cob.org/services/recreation/parks-trails/Pages/bloedel-donovan-park.aspx

Birch Bay: At least five people recommended different things to do in Birch Bay.

“Birch Bay is fun, walking & playing on the beach, camping in the state park. You have to buy a pass, they are $3 per day.”

“Birch bay: looking at the rocks and sea life by the water, mini golf and go carts, water slides.”

“ It's great to couple this with going up and down the Birch Bay promenade. You can rent little surrey bikes (like the golf carts you pedal) right there on the main strip and pedal them up and down the main strip. Fun. Ice cream shop and small farmer's market at the south end.”

Birch Bay: http://www.birchbaychamber.com

Birch Bay Water Slides

http://www.birchbaywaterslides.net/

Miniature World Family Fun Center

http://www.miniatureworld.org/

Point Whitehorn hike:

https://www.whatcomcounty.us/2108/Point-Whitehorn-Marine-Reserve 

Beaches in La Push:

http://www.gonorthwest.com/Washington/olympic/La_Push/La_Push.htm

Fort Casey and Lighthouse:

https://parks.state.wa.us/505/Fort-Casey

Lopez Island:

http://www.lopezisland.com

Bouldering at Larrabee State Park: Also good during negative tide for tidepools and exploring.

https://parks.state.wa.us/536/Larrabee 

"My suggestion is running around at locust beach during low tide! So many fun things to discover and get muddy and wet!”

https://www.bellingham.org/insider-blogs/bellinghams-secret-playground-locust-beach/ 

“Going swimming at Arne Hanna Aquatic Ctr is fun.”

http://www.cob.org/services/recreation/aquatic/

Swimming at Lake Whatcom:

https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g58350-d2527907-Reviews-Lake_Whatcom-Bellingham_Washington.html

Hovander Park: “This one is a great park. With a playground, a barn, a wetlands observatory tower and lots of space, this one is easily a park to come back to over and over again.”

http://www.co.whatcom.wa.us/1957/Hovander-Homestead-Park

Canada/Vancouver:

Stanley Park

http://vancouver.ca/parks-recreation-culture/stanley-park.aspx

Vancouver Aquarium

http://www.vanaqua.org

Granville Island

http://granvilleisland.com

Water Mania indoor water park -- Langley (just over border) -- "very fun"

http://www.yelp.com/biz/watermania-richmond  "It's right next to a Spaghetti Factory, IMAX, ice skating rink and bowling alley. You could make a complete day of it, or split up over several trips over course of summer."

Science World (Vancouver)

http://www.scienceworld.ca/ 

Capilano Suspension Bridge:

www.capbridge.com

Grouse Mountain

http://www.grousemountain.com/ "Can be done as day trip w/the Capilano Bridge -- the gondola ride up the mountain is fantastic."

"Here are some things we've enjoyed that you could do this summer in Vancouver, in addition to the rest: UBC Museum of Anthropology,Bard on the Beach, Whistler ski lift, Kits Beach. Another fun thing is ride the Skytrain. Sit right at the front and it's like a roller coaster. A tame one, but that's about all the excitement I can handle."

"We love everything about White Rock:"

http://www.whiterockcity.ca

Queen Elizabeth Park Bloedel Floral Conservatory is an awesome geodesic dome with parrots and tropical plants inside."

"We enjoyed the Bloedel Conservatory in the Vancouver area. It isn't a terribly long event (an hour-ish?), but the kids had fun doing the "treasure hunt" (where they look for a particular bird/plant/etc and check it off the list). You could pair it with another shorter thing or lunch and make a day of it." 

 http://vancouver.ca/parks-recreation-culture/bloedel-conservatory.aspx

The Greater Vancouver Zoo is only 7 miles north of the Lynden crossing and on the same road as Meridian (called 13N over the border I think). "It's $22/person but neat to see and there's a big playground for kids. "

"Such a little gem! safari-like in nature; in Aldergrove just over border"

http://www.gvzoo.com

 Cultus Lake Waterslides in Chilliwack.

http://www.cultus.com

Day Trips, Islands and Ferries:

"Deception Pass! and if you drive about 20 miles going that way through Oak Harbor, you'll hit Keystone and can take the ferry to Pt. Townsend & Pt. Townsend is a cute little touristy, ye olde town to look at (you could make a trip of it honestly) they've filmed SO MANY movies in Pt. Townsend. There's also an old military bunker in Keystone, and sometimes in the summer they have a giant kite festival! It's pretty cool. I've taken that ferry over a 1,000 times in my childhood & it never got old."

 http://www.parks.wa.gov/parks/?selectedpark=deception%20pass

"Deception Pass, rent surrey bike at Birch Bay, kayak the bay, drive the Cascade Loop, tide pools at Rosario. . ."

Tide pool information here:

http://www.deceptionpassfoundation.org/park-information/tide-pool-visits/

Ferry to Lummi Island for lunch at the Beach Store Cafe and shell hunting.

Ferry to the San Juan's

http://www.visitsanjuans.com/getting-here/San-Juan-Islands-Passenger-Ferry

 Take the ferry from Anacortes to Friday Harbor.

Schedule is here:

http://www.wsdot.com/ferries/Schedule/ScheduleDetail.aspx?departingterm=1&arrivingterm=10&roundtrip=true

Taking the ferry to Port Townsend from whiny island is a fun little road trip...

http://www.ptguide.com/

"Take the Plover ferry from Blaine to Semiahmoo spit, bring beach stuff and go swimming! It's free!"

Drayton Harbor/Plover Ferry (only runs in summer) -- near Semiahmoo/Blaine:

http://www.draytonharbormaritime.org/plover.html

You can take this boat from the Bellingham ferry terminal  to see whales... http://www.whales.com/ 

Silver Lake: "Awesome for camping. One hour drive, amenities, playground, boat rentals. Easy camping, but not commercialized like KOA."

http://www.co.whatcom.wa.us/parks/silver-lake/

Grand Coulee Dam:

"Grand Coulee Dam has a Laser Light Show that is pretty cool! (It is 5.5 hours though!) but they do tours of the dam too! And camping is close by (Spring Canyon Campground) Shows are at either 9:30 p.m. or 10 p.m. nightly, so you’d have to spend the night, plus it’s far from here. But it’s worth it!"

http://www.grandcouleedam.com/aboutlls.html

The Outback Kangaroo Farm in Arlington, “heard great things about this place from parents who have taken their kids there”
http://www.outbackkangaroofarm.com/

 Berry Picking:

Boxberry farms: There’s a U-Pick, plus a strawberry festival, but date is TBA.

http://www.boxxberryfarm.com/go/doc/2079/280842/

"Don't forget: strawberry picking, raspberry picking, blueberry picking, blackberry picking! Fill your freezer!

And heading to Yakima to pick you-pick peaches in August is well worth your time and effort. Holy crap, they're good! "

http://www.discoveryakimavalley.com/2012/05/fresh-from-the-farm-farmers-markets-and-produce-stands/ 

Cool things to do nearby:

Sardis Raptor Center: Number one on our must-do list!!

Sardis Raptor center in Ferndale. My new favorite place! Open on Saturdays from 11-4 and it’s free! This place looks wonderful. One of the top bird centers in the northwest, and it’s right up the road from us!

http://sardisraptor.org

Marine Life Center: This is one of the coolest secrets in Bellingham. No one seems to know it’s here, and it keeps our boys occupied for hours and hours. It’s a mini-aquarium, full of bright volunteers who answer every question patiently:

http://www.marinelifecenter.org

Libraries and storytimes in Bellingham:

http://www.bellinghampubliclibrary.org/children/events/storytimes.aspx

Ferndale Library offerings (includes a game club for teens!)

http://www.wcls.org/Ferndale-Branch-News/

Family Interactive Gallery at Whatcom Museum: Good for rainy days in summer. Geared toward younger kids, though.

http://www.whatcommuseum.org/learn/family-interactive-gallery

"Don't forget about the Railway Museum!!! It's model trains the kids can help control plus there's a toddler area with a huge train table, wooden trains, tons of toys, etc. Great all year or for a rainy day in the summer. 1320 Commercial St. Cheap admission & the people who run it are super sweet."

http://www.bellinghamrailwaymuseum.org

Hikes and active stuff:

Artist Point (when it opens) & Nooksack Falls

 http://www.wta.org/go-hiking/seasonal-hikes/hikes-of-the-week/artist-point

"Hike mt. Baker! Play on the snow, pick blueberries, avoid bears, and try and stay off the two inch shoulder that leads to certain death:"

http://www.wta.org/go-hiking/seasonal-hikes/summer-destinations/stunning-hikes-near-mount-baker

Woodstock Farm (haven't been but hear great things; at the top of my list because it's so close)

http://www.cob.org/services/recreation/parks-trails/woodstock-farm.aspx

Hike up to Oyster Dome, Fragrance Lake or Pine and Cedar.

Cliff jumping at whistle lake,

Ride bikes on Padilla bay dike and visit the visitor center,

Fort Casey picnic/kite day,

 Bellingham bells game.

Other miscellaneous ideas that I haven’t explored at all, but I’m throwing out there:

Lang's Pony Farm/Mount Vernon http://www.comeride.com/

Twenty fun things to do near Vancouver:

http://www.findfamilyfun.com/toptwenty.htm

Cheap summer movies at Bellis Fair

Join Kids bowl for free

Summer reading programs at the library, B&N, Village books

26 Things to do in Bellingham/Whatcom County:

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attractions-g58350-Activities-Bellingham_Washington.html

Teddy Bear Cove

http://www.bellingham.org/insider-blogs/traipsing-to-teddy-bear-cove/

Hike and pick wild blueberries at Artist Point/Chain Lakes in August. Canoe Camping at Ross Lake.

Finally, the Whatcom County Museum sunset history cruise:

http://www.islandmariner.com/historysunset.html

Where's Hercules when you need him?

I have a love affair with Craigslist. Odd, quirky people, free stuff, and a whole lot of trading -- what more could you ask for? Over the past five years, I've done wheeling and dealing for tilling, a garden fence, a side of beef and all sorts of free stuff that was worth what I paid for it. Some of it was even worth the gas money to go pick it up.

 So, in continuing my grand streak of ideas that end up giving Mark a ton of work, I had a brilliant idea for a solution to our problem.

This, then, is the problem:

It's more than twenty years worth of horse shit, left in the barn untouched, and fully composted.

It's actually valuable stuff -- fabulous for gardening -- it's just in the wrong place.

The lady who lived here before us had a horse, and apparently never, ever, not even once, cleaned out the barn. It's possible that before she got here, there was a layer of cow manure under that. Honestly, I didn't know there was a concrete floor underneath -- the boys and I shoveled enough to get down to the bare ground, and sure enough, it's concrete. And by "boys and I," I mean I shoveled while they begged to go inside and watch TV and get out of this river of horse shit and Scout sat in it and tried to make mud castles as we dragged her to higher ground.

So, we want to have a "farm." Which, in my imagination, looks like "The Burrow" from Harry Potter. Lots of happy kids, an orchard, a big garden, a few chickens and a few animals, and kids who help with the yard and the upkeep and a husband who tinkers with projects.

The reality will be different. As in, Mark hates yardwork and hates projects. Sawyer has dramatic fits worthy of a reality TV star who's just been told her show is canceled every time you suggest manual labor. And Sander complains and moans that he's miserable if he actually likes what he's doing and is having a good day -- on a bad day, you're lucky if you can him to agree to get dressed, much less muck out a horse stall.

And while I have good intentions, there are a lot of days where "distracted" is a good way to describe what happens. Because I have every intention of getting out to the garden and planting and weeding. But somehow I end up deciding that I need to learn how to quilt, or I have to get started on food storage for a five-year supply for my paranoia pantry, or the kitchen chairs are the wrong color and have to get painted right now, and of course the house isn't unpacked yet, and I need to put up shelves in the dining room, and while I'm at it, the table's in the wrong place, and it would be a good day to rearrange the furniture.

So, sometimes the garden gets a little bit of benign neglect. As in, stuff gets planted, and whatever's alive at harvest season is what we eat. Which means that in Texas, we ate a lot of tomatoes, some tomatillos, and we threw away a ton of habaneros. And that was about it.

Part of "the farm" will be chickens, a huge garden and some kind of meat. Either a pig or a beef cow.

We have plenty of room for either one, but we can't put them in the barn, because the barn is full of horse shit.

So I had the clever idea that I'd have someone come and shovel out the barn for me, and they could take away as much manure as they wanted. If it worked, I'd actually have someone cleaning out my barn for free.

So I put out the ad, sat back, and waited for replies.

The first person who came by was a self-proclaimed "little old lady" and she drove out to come get a load. She lives 40 miles away and wanted to know how early was "too early," as she's up at 3:30 or 4 a.m.

She arrived, all 110 wiry, tough pounds of her, and shoveled a whole load of horse manure into her truck by herself. She lives alone, had five husbands, plust a sixth man that she lived with seven years and never married, and she takes a bath, outside, naked,  in a tub warmed by a fire under it every night. Yes, she talked a lot while she shoveled, and I listened and watched. It was something else to see her -- apparently she's had a ton of energy since she was born, and she loves to shovel as it takes some of the energy off her. She usually gets up at 4 a.m., splits wood and then shovels something for an hour or so to keep her busy until the sun comes up.

She lives without any paycheck or income -- she has her house paid off, turns off her electricity, most days -- hence, the "cannibal tub," as she called it, and she's using my manure to grow medical marijuana, which she trades for groceries. She loves the internet so she can look up chemtrails, conspiracy theories, and how the government is persecuting Christians, but won't have a cell phone because they cause all sorts of damage.
Interesting morning.

Then, a very nice woman who seemed normal enough asked if she could come get some manure when her husband got home from work.

Mark was in Alaska, so when they got there, I was baking cookies, making dinner, I'd been painting and unpacking, and I was in sweats, no makeup, no bra, covered in paint and cookie dough, holding Scout, who was tired, hungry and dirty.

So, the guy at the door, who looks middle aged, upper-middle class, and normal, says, "I know who you are -- you're a Stone!"

Um. Sure. My kids and my husband are, anyway. How do you know me? Boy Scouts?

"Oh, no -- I'm Mark's boss! I'm the guy who hired him! I'm the reason you guys moved here!"

Fabulous.

Let me just put down the baby, take the cookies out of the oven, throw on a sweatshirt to attempt to cover up that I'm not wearing a bra -- I'm 44 with huge boobs and I've nursed three kids. A bra is not optional when meeting new people.

He and his wife were polite, charming, funny and got a grand tour of the barn, the manure, the garden and the outbuildings, and I was happy I'd met him. Just not dressed like that.

However, next time I do Craigslist, I'm going to go to the door fully dressed. Even for crazy old ladies with lots of energy.

Who would have thought that my biggest logistical problem is how to get rid of a literal ton of horseshit?

An open letter to the Boy Scouts of America

To the leadership of the Boy Scouts of America,

Why do you have to make this so hard for my family?

We want to be a Scouting family. My son, Sawyer, will be 13 in June, and the thing he's most proud of is that he's supposed to make Eagle Scout this summer. My husband is an Eagle Scout. So's his brother. My father-in-law was a troop leader who won some kind of award that was a big deal. I know this because I hear ALL THE TIME about the Silver Beaver award and how it was a BIG DEAL.

I knew, when I got married, that I'd have to be involved in Scouts. It was a done deal, like marrying into a Catholic family when you're agnostic, or marrying a Red Sox fan when you don't care about sports. They care about it. They love it. You love them, and you're along for the ride.

All I knew about Scouts was that it was quasi-military and that it made me vaguely uncomfortable. All that boy-to-man, God-and-country, uniform, straight-back, meetings and badges stuff was not a part of my world. Give me Girl Scouts and craft night over pitching a tent in the dark anytime. But my husband Mark talked about Scouts like men talk about college, football and their first girlfriend, all rolled into one. There's a camp in New Mexico called Philmont he never stops talking about. Mount Baldy, camping for days, dehydration. Sounds like hell, but he couldn't wait to have a boy so he could go to Philmont with him.

All of the best men I know were Eagle Scouts. It was a secret club. My uncle, who I adored growing up, is an Eagle Scout. When he met Mark for the first time, that was their connection -- both Eagle Scouts. It meant something -- perserverance, an ability to get things done, a way of seeing the world as an obstacle course that could be navigated through, if only one was prepared enough. I liked that. I wanted it for my kids.

Mark loves to talk about the Grand Canyon -- he hiked from one rim to the other. That means, yes, he walked down into the Grand Canyon, across it, and then back up. He almost fell off a cliff at one point, but another boy saved him. At one point, on a trip, I said I might stop by and take my two boys to see the Grand Canyon. "Not without me," Mark said. "I need to show them. That's MY Grand Canyon."

I couldn't wait for my kids to be a part of Scouts -- of something that makes my husband feel that good about his experiences, this many years later.  And now, with boys ages 8 and 12, we're really in the thick of Scouting. My husband wears a Boy Scout uniform to meetings, which I think is pretty hokey, but he's really proud of it. My older son, Sawyer, has learned more from Scouts than I could have possibly imagined. Mark has two weeks vacation a year, and took a week off last year to go to Scout camp with Sawyer last year in Colorado. They had an experience that I wish every boy could share with his father: Camping under the stars, long days of hiking and talking, and watching Sawyer learn every day.

Sander's still in Cub Scouts, and I have to admit that years into Scouting, I still can't understand the difference between a pack and a troop, a den and a council. But Sander loves it, too, and there's a race on to see who's going to hit Eagle Scout at a younger age -- Mark made it at 14. Sawyer's hoping for 13. Sander's planning on trying for a tie. My littlest one, a girl? She's named Scout.

But I'm afraid that I might have to just back out of the whole thing now, and it breaks my heart.

How, how, how can I justify to Sawyer that a Scout is "Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean and Reverent," when every action that the Boy Scouts of America has taken lately has been shown to be deceitful, cowardly, unkind and untrustworthy?

Either you believe that gays are immoral people who don't belong in Scouting, or you don't. If that's truly what you believe, then fine. Don't let gay children into Scouts if you believe they're going to grow up to be warped, immoral human beings -- it would be cowardly of you to do so! But if that's the case, Scouting is no longer a place for us, and you have secured your place on the wrong side of history. The organization will shrink, wither away and die.

If you don't believe that being gay is a moral issue, then by all means, stop caving in to religious sects and let gays in to help lead! Actually, just let *people* in -- it really helps not to categorize people by what they do with their genitals in private at night, and instead to notice what they do during the day. 

Some of the best people I know are gay, and they're parents, too. And they're gay parents who were once Boy Scouts. And they would make amazing adult leaders. Better than you could possibly imagine. And some of the best people I know stay away from Scouting, because of the intolerance and bigotry. And I have defended you to them, and told them, "We're working for change from within."

But I can't do this anymore. A policy that is drawn to please as many members as possible is by design disingenuous and dishonest. You don't believe that gay kids are fine and gay adults are evil. That's not a real thing. So, apparently Scouts are NOT to be trusted. How could I trust an organization that could come up with this policy?

Show your courage, and change with the world, and accept everyone. Or, hell, show your courage and stand behind your belief that homosexuality is wrong in all forms. But this? "Sure, gay kids are fine. And then they turn 18 and an evil zombie bug attacks their brains and turns them evil and they can't sleep next to other kids. But they could when they were 17. Just not when they're 19."

I call bullshit. How is this kind? "Sure, kid! Be an Eagle Scout! Join us, and help represent everything good about Scouts! But since you're gay, when you get married and your kid hits Cub Scouts, we don't want you around anymore!"

How is this cheerful? I've got a pre-teen that cries because his gay friends think he's a bigot for still being in Scouts, and because most of my friends think I'm an idiot for not getting out before this. Cheery, all right.

Loyal? How the HELL is it loyal to tell kids you accept them for who they are, unless they're gay, in which case they're dumped at 18?

Reverent? I'm trying to love the sinner, Scouts of America, and hate your sins, but it's tough. How can I see past your arrogance? Your willingness to meld your beliefs into a Frankenstein policy in order to keep as many Scouts as you can, rather than standing up for what's right?

I want to be a Scouting family. Even though many of the people who are left in Scouts are bigots who believe you're better off without gays. Seriously -- a lot of really good people who would be great Scouts won't touch the organization. They're joining Campfire/Indian/Rainbow Warriors or whatever the "We include everyone, and we still go camping" groups are.

But I want to be a part of this. I want my sons to be Eagle Scouts, and I want it to stand for something besides bigotry and "Old-fashioned-conservative-white-Christian-America."

I want it to mean the Grand Canyon and starlit nights and campfires and tents and pushing yourself for one more mile to Mt. Baldy. I want it to mean good men. The kind who stand up against bullying, bigotry and hypocrisy. I want it to mean Truthful, Trustworthy, Loyal and Brave. 

I just want my kids to know how to go camping, without it hurting people we love just by the act of being a Boy Scout.

I don't want to break up with you. You've meant a lot to me.

I don't want to tell Sawyer that we can't as a family, do this anymore. He'll quit if we discuss this with him -- he wants Eagle Scout more than you'd believe, but he wants to grow up to be a good man even more. Don't create an environment that means Sawyer has to decide between being a good man and being a Boy Scout.

Get your act together, and live up to the Boy Scout Law. 

The Emu Egg story

 

Originally published April 9, 2009 

Sander was asking me about the emus today. He wanted to go see if there were any eggs left. I thought it was time to trot out the Emu Egg Story. Because some things never get old.

So. Put these words together into a story: Four-year-old boy. Two-year-old, fragile, rancid Emu egg. Hardwood floors.

You know where this is going. You can see it. You can prevent it in your mind.

So why, oh why, for the love of my nostrils and the love of being able to stand in my kitchen without throwing up, why couldn’t I see it coming???

When we moved here three years ago, my very, very, very old neighbor, named Eloi the Emu guy, had emus. He also had a very, very, ancient mother whom he carted around town in his ancient car and they went to What-a-burger for their weekly treat. He’s grumpy and mean and the only time we grunted at each other was when he rode his lawnmower past our fence. Occasionally we’d leave him some stale pecans to feed his emus (I have no idea if emus eat pecans, but something in his yard will eat them!)

He lives on six acres next door to us, with only a barbed-wire fence between us and the emus. He also has a goat and an animal that’s either a long-haired sheep or a very strange goat.

He also has, thankfully, a disgusting house, with so much trash and garbage and weird piles of stuff all over the front of his house that no one will ever complain about us not mowing the lawn.

Also, I figure if he has emus, a goat and a sheep-type creature in the city limits, we’re safe with chickens.

Unfortunately, his mother died recently, and the emus went away. So did the goat and the sheep, and someone came and cleaned up all the stuff.

It had been so bad on his porch that when my sister went by one day, after stepping though the piles of old bicycle baskets and coffee cans and weird piles of newspaper, she picked up a notepad on his porch to leave him a note and put her hand in a wasp’s nest (and you really want to leave him a note and not talk to him, because he answers the door in his underwear with no shirt on. Good look for Brad Pitt. Not-so-good look for Eloi.)

I’m really kind of bummed they picked it all up. It made my house look SO much nicer when it was a mess over there.

So, the emus. Scary. Mean. BIG. And there were three of them. One day a couple of years ago, Mark and the boys went for a walk and decided to cut through the neighbor’s yard.

Yah. Right through the emus. After the running and screaming and dodging the huge birds while Mark threw both boys like a javelin over the barbed wire fence to escape the HUGE claws of the giant raptors, Sander showed me their trophy: One pure white, giant, beautiful egg.

This was his treasure and his prize and the thing he loved the most in the world.

It was, of course, a time bomb waiting for the right moment.

Last week, Sander cleaned out his closet. Meaning that he dumped everything on to the floor so he could see all the “cool stuff” on the top shelf. Meaning stuff that I’d hidden because I didn’t want him getting into it.

Out comes the stinking time bomb of death.

“I LOVE my emu egg! It’s my favorite thing! I LOVE it so, so much!!”

And that was it. We tried to hide it again for three days. No good. He couldn’t sleep without it. Couldn’t live without it. 

So, yesterday, as someone is ON THEIR WAY to videotape my house and my boys for a documentary on how cool homeschooling is, Sander walks in the kitchen with the egg and a new plan: He’s going to keep it safe from bad guys. Something this valuable, this special, this amazing, will obviously be stolen. All he has to do is very carefully wrap it in this BANG

Silence. For a moment, a big breath to start tears. And then, forget about crying. Forget about anything else except getting the hell away from that kitchen.

Go outside and puke and hope to God you never, ever smell anything like that, ever again. It smelled like dead puppies left in the sun, wrapped in diapers of cholera victims. Rotten egg doesn’t even begin to describe it. And it wasn’t a smell -- it was a force field or a thick wall of nausea from which there was no escape.

This sucker didn’t break. It exploded with full force, leaving shrapnel from the pits of sulphuric hell embedded into my walls.

And we had guests on the way. And Sander was not having any comforting. He wanted me to fix the damned egg.

Everything in my house smells like rot and death and corpse. By the time the woman arrived an hour later, she said she couldn’t smell it. Probably because the chlorine gas from all the bleach I used while I was vomiting and cleaning destroyed her olfactory nerves in her brain. I can only hope to be so lucky.

Sander and his dad went to the now-abandoned emu yard last night on a hunt for another egg. They only found fragments of old ones.

God help Mark if he’d actually come home with another one...

On offering up a back rub...

Marriage is a funny thing.

Yeah, you're joined for life, yeah, you love him.

Yeah, he's everything you ever wanted. And yet you still have things you want that he doesn't want.

And he has things he wants that you're not going to give in on. Ever.

Mark and I have a deal. I get one speeding ticket a year. He makes it go away. He sends away for my driving record, files the paperwork for me to take a defensive driving class instead of getting points on my license and then, being the kind-hearted husband that he is, he takes the defensive driving class online for me.

I tried taking the class. I don't have the patience for it. The third year in a row that I gave up halfway through and just paid the fine instead, Mark stepped in and took over for me.

In appreciation of this kind act, the first year, I offered Mark a token of my affection and appreciation. Let's say, for the sake of argument and because it's none of your business what I really gave him, that I offered him a back rub. He's happy. I'm happy. It's a give and take. We have done this for ten years now, and it works for us.

And yes, the poor man gets back rubs just because he's a good guy. Once in a while, when the kids are asleep and we're not exhausted and we're getting along. This is just a bonus. 

Last week, I was going to California, and I asked Mark for some extra spending money. I told him it would come in handy, and I offered him, as a token of appreciation and affection, a back rub. Which he promptly accepted, and then said that we don't do nice things for each other in order to get paid, but because we love each other, and I would have to stick to my budget and would not be getting any extra cash.

I was not impressed.

However, now he has the certificate for this year's defensive driving class in his hot little hands. He got it in the mail today.

And he would like payment for his time and effort. In the form of, shall we say, a back rub.

Forget it, says I. We don't do things for each other to get paid. We do them because we love each other and want to do them.

And so he has, cheerfully and in good humor, locked away my defensive driving certificate until I pay up.

I'm not sure how this little battle is going to play out, but it's a lot of fun to see what's going to happen next.

Marriage is such an odd thing -- just when you think you have it all figured out, it's new again and you have to re-negotiate all of your terms. I'm astounded when people have been married four or five times. I'm still figuring out this one! 

I have ten days until I have to turn in the defensive driving certificate. This could get interesting.